Avengers is coming out tomorrow in the US (NO SPOILERS, you lucky international SOBs!), and while we all dribble on the floor with excitement (seriously, I have not heard one bad thing about this movie yet, oh my gosh), we need to remember one very sobering fact.
Joss Whedon wrote and directed this movie.
Someone is going to die in it. Someone we love.
We've seen it before. Remember Buffy? The instant you started to like someone they were worm food. Serenity? Bye-bye Wash, and hello therapy. What I'm saying is, I'm going to love this movie. I just want to get the sobbing out of my system now.
So place your bets on who's going to bite the bullet in Avengers! I'll just be over here, weeping over a picture Tara and Willow.
Captain America: Odds - LOW
Well, they can't really kill Cap, because they've already announced his sequel. I'm not saying they won't kill him, because as we all know THEY'VE DONE IT BEFORE. But I think the odds are low on this one.
IronMan: Odds - LOW
Pretty much the same reasons, with a bonus fact that the IronMan franchise makes a crapton of money, and if Joss did try to kill off Tony Stark, Disney would probably shit a brick and have him murdered. Just saying.
Nick Fury: Odds - LOW
He's Samuel L. Jackson. Would you kill him? Also, he's probably contractually obligated to appear in every Avengers related film for the next millennium, and even Joss isn't so bold. Bonus? Marvel has really been trying to up their diversity, so killing off one of the only major characters of color in the Marvel Universe is probably not going to happen.
Thor: Odds - MEDIUM
I'm not saying they're going to kill Thor, I'm just saying that his brother is the villain and it would be awfully poetic, wouldn't it? That said, he is a god, and a little hard to kill. Also, sequel.
Hulk: Odds - MEDIUM
He's the Hulk. I mean, he's lovable and green, but there's only so much you can do with the character once you've got his origin out of the way. And even his origin isn't that easy to work with (see two flopped Hulk movies in 10 years). A dramatic sacrifice could be the boost he needs. On the other hand, not enough motivation to kill him.
Black Widow and Hawkeye: Odds - HIGH
One, they're humans on a team of superheroes. I'm not saying they're not awesome, but come on. Death looms. Two, they're both cool, and way outmatched. A death fighting impossible odds seems almost foretold here. May be saved by their innate hotness, sexual tension, and merchandizing value.
Agent Coulson: Odds - SERIOUSLY, JUST BUY A COFFIN
Beloved character with no special powers who happens to be on the team, irritates certain members but will be inordinately missed when gone. Death will serve to show the stakes of the fight, and to humanize our heroes.
Well, there you have it. Mourn while you can, because this is Joss Whedon, and if you can't take the tragedy, then you're watching the wrong damn superhero movie.
It's going to be so amazing, I can't even stand it.